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| I have this very strong urge to get rid of everything, hop into my car, and drive into the sunset. Granted I just finished reading a book where the main character basically does the same thing, but she is flying to Africa to be with her true love. Focus back on my life - I don't know any one going back to Africa nor do I know my true love.
But my wings are yearning, nay, begging to be stretched, loosened, and used. So what is really holding me back? Why do I say, "Yes, yes, I'll do it!" then pause and say, "No. At least six more months. You're not ready." I'm not ready? Not ready for what? If I fail, that's life. If I go broke, my parents might offer me a bed. Or maybe my sister. I'm not family less and friend less. Yes, the economy is tough, but I have a working body and if it comes to it, I can shovel dirt for a meal. Or baby-sit, or whatever. I have a car. I can always sleep in it.
Why then do I pause? What am I so scared of?
Failure. And being hurt. Not mentally being able to forgive the scars.
Oh man! Some one just kick me in the butt and push me out the door..... in eight months....
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| That pulsation of life continues on... beating, stretching, marching. It takes unexpected twists or turns and either you grow and change or become whithered and grumpy.
No not being poetic or philosophical or anything. I just felt like typing that.
My body is very angry with me. Work has been kicking my butt the last couple of days and I have a knot in my should that feels like the size of Texas. This is not a complaint, just an observation. I am blessed to have my job - I just wish it wasn't so physical. Seven hours of shoveling mulch just isn't my idea of a good time.
On other notes, I was chatting with my mom and telling her that I don't want to do a show unless I feel challenged by it. Why go do semi-par theater? I'm not getting paid to do it, so I don't want to. Selfish and vain of me? I don't think so. Time is a precious commodity and I want to use it wisely. So, all that being said, along with conversations with God, I was dumped a whopper in my lap. Not sure which way it will go because there are many things that are unknown in this adventure. Either my regular 8-5 life is about to be uproariously shaken or I will have an interesting experience that will stretch and challenge my mind. Wonder as you will. I'm not sharing details. But know this.... you probably won't guess what the adventure is nor think it that grand.
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| Some year, some day, some hour, some moment I will get my act together. This is not that moment. Really nothing is wrong - I have just simply lost all sense of time and motion and suddenly there a lots of things to be addressed... and I don't want to address them. On the God front He is continuing to tell me to just go and enjoy life. Right around my birthday that's all I kept hearning over and over again - you're young, go out enjoy life, do it now so you don't regret what you could have done. Who knows... maybe 30 really is the new 20. Not that I'm 30! I'm only 29... so I've got less than a year to live it up... right? Nope that's wrong. I just have life to live up. Perhaps in one of those missing moments, I'll actually get out of my head and back into wonderful glorious life. Perhaps.... Oh and in case you were really looking for me to say this is what's going on in my life, nothing has changed. I work, eat, sleep, and still do theater - the current play being Sylvia (I'm a dog!) On occasion I do hang out with friends. That's it. See? Nothing has changed.  | | |
| I really enjoy Sunday afternoons. No, I don't like thinking about how tomorrow is Monday and it's back to the grind, but there is something so peaceful about Sunday afternoons. I should check to see how many of my entries are written on a Sunday, but that is digressing.
So, right now I am just chilling, listening to Kelly Clarkson and playing Free Cell. I have this desire to see if I can beat every single game, in a row, with out losing. I think my streak has been 23... but right now I have only beaten up to game 7. And on a side note, I love how songs make us think of people. I have a memory attached to this particular CD. I spent a couple of hours on a mountain road in West Virginia listening to this CD with a very close friend and another girl who isn't so much a friend but more of an acquaintance. We were listening to this, driving back from three days of skiing. I love how this CD conjures up images of Rachael and I in the car, singing along and just chatting. The other girl was sitting in the back so she is kind of there in the memory but really wasn't involved in the moment.
Now that you have read all of that.... here's the real reason as to why I am writing this entry.
Friday night after my floor mom event, I went to visit with some friend in Balboa Hall. Well, there were three of us in the room and after some chatting we decided to grab some $1 pizza and a movie, and then headed to over to my place. While the pizzas were baking, we were talking about everything (as girls are apt to do) and the subject of relationships came up. Out of the three of us, only one is involved in a very serious relationship and the other two of us are simply bumping along. The other single (myself being the first) mused how she would just like to know who (if it is going to happen) she would marry. I have had that thought many times. If I just knew.... I could go on with life. Her thought is coming from the desire to know that yes she is wanted and yes there is security. The girl in the relationship commented that she also had thought about the same thing.
While we were chatting, I mentioned that I know now that until I understand myself in God and who I am, I'm not going to be in a relationship. This thought has lifted a weight off of my shoulders, because really if you asked me what I am waiting for it's this: I want nothing more than to get married. Really, it's what I want. I don't like looking at my life and seeing that 30 is coming up quick and I haven't even had a relationship... just a handful of dates. I shouldn't let something like that be the focus of my life, but it's just one of the many ways I weight my worldly social value. I start wondering if there is something strange I don't see.... I have weird looks, or smell funny, my personality would kill a parrot, or I am simply not worth it. Don't (DON'T) see this as self pity or a desire for compliments. I'm just stating how this pattern of thinking fits into social standards.
The revelation (and important part) is this: I can't fully enjoy the intimacy of a close relationship without knowing myself first. Right now, I don't know who I am. I don't know my passions. I don't even know what I like. These past couple of years have sent me all over the place and I am a mass of confusion. That's okay. In fact is great. I am finally free of all the worries. Now is the time to try life. Now I can go to God and say, "I am truly and fully yours. Use me." Who knows what I'll end up trying or where I'll go! Because now I know that there isn't anyone to wait for. God is waiting for me and I'm going to meet him.
My hope is this.... no matter where I end up in the world, I will fully love God and fully serve him. If that is selling flowers in Nebraska, then please visit me. :0)
No, I do not have any plans to move to Nebraska. It's just an example. Oh, and in the discovery of passion, my friend Jay made a very strong point. Do what makes you happy. Even if it doesn't look like it will provide. God is in control. Now... what makes me happy? I guess I'll start with the small things. Right now it's the only starting point I have.
Kittens. I think that is a good place to start.
Happy Sunday!
Erin
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| Hello friends!
I have a curiosity question for you and would be much obliged if you actually answer it, instead of simply reading my entry.
Here is the situation: I have been attending a church in the OC off and on for about a year and a half. Now, I simply attend the second service. I like it there. The music is good and the sermons are bible based and tend to hit on a lot of points that I struggle with in my life. So things are good there. Here's the kicker: I don't know one person at this church. If I told people there that I started attending in 2007, they would probably be surprised. This church as a person who will greet you with the bulletin and then during the service there is a minute of , "say hello to someone."
Still with me? O.K.
At this point, I can only attend the church service. There is a women's Bible study that meets twice on Tuesday, but I can't go in the morning and I can't commit full-time in the evening. There is also a young adult's group (age range a mystery) that meets on Friday nights, but again it isn't something I can commit to full-time. So all I can do is attend the service. There are no Sunday school classes.
If you are still reading this, good for you. My question is coming.
I attend the church but I am not a part of it. I like it there, but should I stay or should I look for something else? Is this a lack of faith on my part? Am I not praying and searching out enough? I am not naturally an out-going person. All I am good for is offering my name. So is the fault in my court? Should I try harder to search people out, try to make a friend? Should I be praying for God to send someone to me? Or should I go somewhere else. Yes, I go to church. I like it. I learn, but I really want to love it there. I want it to be a home.
O.K. If you are bored at this point, my apologizes. I understand this really isn't that interesting of a blog. It is just a discussion that my mom and I were having over the phone and I thought I would share it with you and maybe get some of your thoughts. My mom was leaning towards me searching out a new church, but she said that she and my dad will simply pray for me.
In the rest of the Erin front things are pretty quiet. My battle with a sinus infection is nearly done and sources say I will be crowned the victor. Work continues. The layout of the campus is becoming larger and more complicated than I expected it to be. Layout you ask? Yes, ground plans and floor plans of all the buildings on campus. Number of doors, parking spaces, ac units, and any other detail that I can scrounge up walking around a building. If visiting every dorm room was not intimate enough, well adding the number of parking spaces will certainly create a closer friendship.
My first round of press photos is complete. Was it successful? I'll know when the review is published this week. Upcoming is a photo shoot of Cyrus so he can be entered in a competition and then my first series of official production photos. And maybe this week I'll get the script for the play that I will start rehearsing in October. It is The Christmas Carol but not a traditional version. This is in the Dickens' home. That is my extent of knowledge of the show. My characters' name is Catherine but what she actually does is still a mystery.
Oh and I got a Disneyland pass. Anyone want to go?
Now I will end what turned into a really long entry. Again my apologies. Thanks for reading, but please, answer the question.
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